


It's Easy

by FahcLove



Series: Stories Of Abstemiousness [1]
Category: Youtube RPF
Genre: Anxiety, Blood, Cutting, Depression, Suicide, gassy mexican is mentioned, ive been writing a lot of sad lately, so is chilled chaos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-07
Updated: 2016-04-07
Packaged: 2018-05-31 18:46:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6482839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FahcLove/pseuds/FahcLove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I guess some things are easy."</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Easy

"It's easy to stop"

That's what they always said, that's what they always told him.

They lied.

"Just draw on where it hurts,"

That was a coping method he heard worked from multiple people, friends even.

But they were wrong.

After a bad day, his arms and legs were covered in pen marks, long swirling patterns, flowers, hearts, uplifting messages. He finds funny that he loves writing hearts, yet he  
doesn't have one.

But, even after all of that, they still ached. Ached for that familiar feeling of a blade across his skin, warm blood pouring from the wounds crisscrossing his arms and legs. The old scars a pale white against his lightly tanned skin after a trip to the beach with his friends.

"Just don't think about it!" 

His friend offered that one in a last ditch effort, trying to console him after a breakdown in the empty hall leading from the PE room to the English classes. He meant well, but it did nothing but make him sadder. (the mario hat his friend put on his head didn't help)

His friend soon stopped talking to him.

He didn't mind, just another person who he let down, another person who left him in the dust.

"Just do something else,"

He tried, he really did. Playing video games helped a little, able to distract himself from the pain for a little, but when he came out of the dream-like state he was in when playing a game or reading a book, the temptations came rushing back.

"Talk to someone about it,"

He did, he talked to a few of his friends about it, but they left him, giving a weak idea on how to help, and then disappeared.

After telling a few people, he stopped talking about it. What was the use anyway if everyone would just ignore him?

"Go to a therapist!"

That was one of his fears. Not therapists, but people learning about him, all of his fears, his personal thoughts, his true desires. Someone knowing just a little bit of it made him a open book for someone to exploit him and use him for his own desires.

Besides, if he went to a therapist, he'd have to talk to his parents about it, which is way, way, worse than talking to a therapist.

It wasn't that his parents were evil or abusing, it's just that they weren't understanding. They just used him for their wants. 

They wanted to be in band when they were kids. And here he was, forced to play percussion even though he was too exhausted mentally to do anything.  
They wanted a 4.0 GPA. Now the moment his grades get below a A-, he's grounded until they get back up.  
They wanted to be in clubs. Meaning, that he was forced to go to every single club in the school, even though he could barely manage to survive a normal school day without breaking down into tears.

"Don't listen to what other people say!"

That's what everyone said. That's what he repeated to himself every morning, every day, every time he had to speak in front of his class. 

It didn't work.

He was always thinking about what someone thought. Everything he did was controlled by the thought that someone hates him.

Maybe it wasn't the exact fear of everyone hating him, but the fear of everyone looking at him. Sure, he had a YouTube channel with millions and millions of fans, but they were all watching him through a screen, something to protect him from hearing their thoughts, seeing their judgmental eyes.

Every time he went to speak in front of whatever class he was in at that moment, he could feel everyone's eyes staring him down, from every angle, all thinking about how ugly and stupid he is, and how painfully unfunny his jokes are.

It's kinda obvious he lives off of confirmation from others.

"Just be your own person!"

Well, "his own person" is full of flaws and ugliness that he has slowly become different people, depending on who you're taking to.

With his parents, he was Mr. Goody-two-shoes, doing everything they asked for, only mildly complaining, depending on the day. 

With his friends, he was the joker, comedian, someone who always lightened the mood with a silly joke, with the occasional humbling thought that has them contemplating life for a few minutes.

Online, he was someone not to be trusted. Mr. Cheetsy-doodles, selling out his friends, throwing the game just for the sake of a few laughs. There was a saying that developed very quickly, after a few months of playing on YouTube; Never Trust Nanners. 

When he was alone was when he was truly himself. When he finally broke down after a long day of pretending, his mask finally off. Where he was self-deprecating, hateful, and self-loathing. Where he grabbed the razor and brought it to his wrists and legs, both covered in cross-crossing white scars. 25 on each leg, 20 on each wrist, he counted.

When he was alone is where he could scream as loud as he wanted to, tears streaming down his face. It was where he could finally calm down when he saw the familiar red of his blood seeping down his arms or legs, feeling the warmth deep in his soul, warming his cold dead heart. He finally felt at peace.

When he was alone he could clean up, wrapping makeshift bandages around the wounds, and putting razors in his old retainer case, his parents would never look there, it's been ages since he wore it.

When he was alone, he could talk to himself, saying all the things no one else would say to him. Usually, "you're handsome," "someone loves you," "it's okay to be sad," "you're funny," "you're friends like you," and many others. 

But they didn't help.

"I don't know how to help you!"

That one was said by his best friend, the one he'd been friends with the longest.

The one he shared every inside joke with, who had the idea of starting a YouTube channel, who was with him though every up and down, every good day and every bad, who was  
able to know what he was feeling with just a glance.

Even his best friend was tired of him.

Everyone was tired of him it seemed. His parents only cared about his grades. His teachers were the same. His classmates didn't care, why would they? All of his friends left him, done with his stupid antics. And even his best friend was tired.

And how does he help him? What does he say to that? He didn't even know how to help himself.

A few weeks later, they had a fight, a really big one.

"You're so selfish, learn how to help more people than yourself!"

"You're just wasting my time!"

Those were the last two things his best friend - now ex best friend - said to him.

Those were the two truest things he had ever heard, even after reading the ramblings of self-help books and posts on the internet on "how to live another day". Maybe that was the only real thing in his life.

Maybe he was too selfish.

Maybe he was just wasting everyone's time.

"It's easy, just jump."

That was the easiest thing he had ever done, climbing up to the rail of the bridge, wind and rain whipping around him.

He could hear people shouting, but they probably weren't talking about him, someone probably stole something behind him.

He didn't hesitate at all hen he stepped off, his foot meeting thin air and toppling over.

He had read a article about someone interviewing a bunch of people that jumped off that regretted it halfway down.

That wasn't true for him.

Falling though the air, he smiled, finally feeling happy once in his life. He felt like doing a flip, but thought that was not appropriate for the situations. 

"I guess some things are easy."

**Author's Note:**

> I've been writing fics like this for the past few days and I finally finished one! Hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> Any questions? Check out my Tumblr! http://fangirling-on-the-tardis.tumblr.com/


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